A Year of Super-Villainy

Really it's quantity vs. quality

2009-04-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

Ah, sweet Earth. I am back again at the 'ol homeworld and it looks as ready to be dominated as ever. From orbit I can observe the gentle contours of the continents, ready to be formed to my will. Below me, unsuspecting, lay my enemies. Believing me dead, apparently. That is for the best, now I have the element of surprise.

Well, I guess except for Green Hunter. And, I suppose the rest of the Earth's Elite, if he told them. Of course he told them. If there's one thing I know about my former intern it's that he thinks whatever happens in his life is of critical importance to all of those with earshot. Gah, if I had to hear one more time about his kegger at the Delta house... So you made out with two girls at once, I get it. Geez.

So yeah, he no doubt informed Earth's most powerful superteam that I am back on the scene. So I can expect Admiral Admirable to show up any second and punch me in the face while he lectures me on the morality of my actions. Yippee. Actually, I think this is a good thing. If the media has to hear about my return, it definately adds some credibilty to me to have the Earth's Elite make the announcement. That will get me one Page one for sure. Or at least the front section somewhere, right?

Based on the destroyed wreckage of alien battle ships floating around here in orbit maybe (maybe!) I'll get bumped off the front page for whatever this mess was. I suppose "Alien Attack Defeated" beats "Master Super-villain Returns." No. You know what? I am the bigger news here. There have been dozens of repelled alien invasions, but how many times have I defeated the icy grip of the grave? Just once! Give me my headlines!

Thanks, Dr. Hunter

2009-04-10T13:59:00.000-07:00

So I am awakened from my hibernation by Green Hunter, as he and the Earth's Elite are having some sort of skirmish with an alien armada of some sort. I am woefully uninformed when it comes to the various alien empires. You'd think that I would know more, what with me being the (former) Scorloon Emperor for Life and all, but I never could keep all of the colliding constants straight on those names. Just mash your hand on a keyboard and you have a 75% chance of hitting on the name of one of those races. "Duygbl?" "Gytrublv?" "Lcytjvkjbhhk?" Yeah, those are all (probably) accurate. And that's before you even get to the ones who communicate telepathically. For those you need to visualize a potato dancing with an empty orange bucket in order to say "hello". That way lays madness, I say.

Anyways, in the course of their battle Green Hunter is sent sailing off into an asteroid belt and he bumps into my asteroid-y looking cocoon. This awakens me, and after I burrow my way through the (delicious) larval crust I shatter the cocoon off my body. I'm a little groggy and out of it, so I say "Innnnttttteeeeerrrrnnnn?" I'm pretty sure this scares the crap out of him, and looks at me with shock (and awe) and says, "You!? It can't be... you're dead!"

Yeah, welcome back. Thanks idiot. So I fired some energy blasts at him and then took off to get my bearings. So now I'm on my way back to Earth. Dead? What do they think of me back there? What did that stupid robot do now? Dead? Not cool, doppelganger, not cool.

A wake-up call

2009-04-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I've been, uh, out of it for a while. This is news to me, of course. I was trying to get a handle on the new, totally awesome, cosmic scope of my Walking Blackhole-gifted-abilities. The transition was, I'll admit, a little rough. The days of sleeplessness had me grappling with real philosophical demons; "Is my 'Super-villain' moniker stupid, or brilliant?", "Why are my eyes on fire?", "Does anyone else smell cotton candy?".

Finally (finally!) I was able to reach a singular state of Zen With The Universe And All The Life It Encompasses Throughout The Countless Eons and find sleep. Or I just punched myself in the face until I blacked out (U-Make-The-Call!).

Well, let me take a step back here for a second. There are 2 terrible things that happened during my rest. First, my body recuperated from my cosmic upgrade. Well not recuperate, exactly. I've gathered that the cosmic energy is rewriting my body to comply with the Walking Blackhole's needs of a Vanguard: flight, cool energy abilities, and a singular tuning to his Terrible Hunger. To do all that, the old body has to go. So the glowing eyes were just a sign of my body being disintegrated from the inside out! So in exchange for these new powers I get cooked from within, like a hot dog in a microwave. So my body more is more "regurgitated", than recuperated. I guess it's a long process too, because I had to form a cocoon of organic rock and lose two months on my Year of Super-Villainy.

Yes, I was floating in the depths of space in an asteroid like cocoon for 2 months. Will anyone back on Earth even remember me? All that brand building I worked on, and I let it all go to waste? Gah! Actually, 2 months isn't so bad. The process didn't totally finish. I actually got prematurely awoken from my hibernation by an interstellar super-hero fight. That brings me to the second terrible thing to happen to me. The thing that woke me up? The first face I see after the long metamorphosis?

Green Hunter!

You want some crazy? I got your crazy!

2009-01-16T14:45:00.000-08:00

I haven't slept in 4 days. My glowing eyes are driving me insane. Insane, I say! The giraffes are closing in. Free the waffle!

Mmmm! Delicious.

2009-01-15T14:07:00.000-08:00

The Scorloon worlds are no more. The Walking Blackhole has devoured them. I've got awesome cosmic powers now that I need to try out. They were a bit vague on what these new abilities are. For one thing, my eyes now glow constantly. It looks awesome coming out of my mask eye holes, but is making it very difficult to sleep. I'm sure the other things I can do now are much cooler. Also, did you know that when the Walking Blackhole consumes a world he unhinges his jaw? Yeah. It's one of things you can never un-see.

Moon 5 is for carbon copies

2009-01-07T09:23:00.000-08:00

Perhaps you have noticed the lapse in posting recently? (Or not.) Well, I have been wrapped up in tense negotiations with the Walking Blackhole! Okay, not the Walking Blackhole himself. He is as large as a dwarf star, which makes it difficult to talk man to man, er, Celestial Force. But 'ol Blackhole has a guy. A go-fer. A guy who finds him planets to sate his "unquenchable hunger." I know. How do you sate an unquenchable hunger? It doesn't really matter.

The point is that to find these planets the Blackhole has gifted vast cosmic energy to some dude to get the job done. Honestly, he mentioned that he was somethingsomething, Vanguard of the Walking Blackhole, but I didn't catch it. It's been a bit awkward having 2 weeks of negotiations with him when I can't remember his name. "Hey...there, you." "Yes, I agree... with you..." I don't think he's noticed though. His glowing visage doesn't seem too emotive, so it's hard to tell.

Anyway, the Scorloons control 3 planets in the system and 17 moons. Most of those are used for inventory storage and bookkeeping. When everything you do requires 15 forms, it takes up space (pun! ha!) fast. So in exchange for providing these delicious planetary snacks (and a couple of billion Scorloon lives) to the Walking Blackhole, he will endow me with a portion of his immeasurable power. So the deal: he doesn't eat me, and I get some sweet power upgrades.

That's what I call win-win.

Clearly, this is a mandate

2008-12-22T09:28:00.000-08:00

The results are in.

I am now the Scorloon Emperor for Life! No more red tape (for me). No more annoying minutia. Just a planet where my every whim is law. This will be great. The only downside is that I'm ruling Scoloons. They're... nice, I guess. It'd just be nice to actually be able to select an Empress that doesn't have exposed pulsating egg sacs, you know?

Also, I don't think they got the hang of what an election is. Maybe they don't have a proud democratic tradition, but this was a little shocking. There are something like 2 billion Sorloons on the planet, and I won by receiving one vote. From myself, of course.

Well, I hope they keep that level of civil involvement for rebellion when I lead their culture to disastrous ruin.

Vote or die!

2008-12-19T13:36:00.000-08:00

The Super-Villain for Scorloon Emperor for Life campaign is going very strong. Okay, technically, this election is a sham that I cannot possibly lose, but it's rewarding to be out there meeting the people. Well, not really people. I'm on the road, shaking, er, "sucker-clasps" and kissing babies, um, "larva." Not really kissing in the conventional sense. Smiling at, maybe? But you can't really tell with my face mask on. So I suppose I glower for a few seconds at the grubs before they scurry off in fear and confusion. Ah, politics!

So vote Super-Villain for Emperor for Life! Or don't. It doesn't even matter. (Those are the best kinds of elections.)

A minor loophole

2008-12-17T14:04:00.000-08:00

Of course! The whole Scorloon society is a tangled bureaucratic ball of Christmas lights. There are levels upon levels of redundant, useless committees. You have to fill out practically 15 pages of forms to go to the bathroom. They are a bloated, obsolete, decaying, intergalactic empire. But...

The whole thing is maintained with computers! And who has techno-pathy? Me!

So, I simply walked past the Scorloon Central Hive-Mind computer, used my awesome techno-pathic abilities, and *voila!* I am now a candidate (okay, the only candidate) for Scorloon Emperor for Life. It's a little disappointing that I didn't need a revolution by force, but I can't get caught up in style points. It's results that count.

Besides, there's time. Nothing says Emperor for Life like senseless public executions. Huzzah!

Maybe it's not so alien after all

2008-12-16T12:54:00.000-08:00

I am now officially a member of the Implementation Team Oversight Committee to Plan the Conquest of Earth. Easily condensed into the easy to say acronym: ITOCPCE. That's Eee-toe-Kkkjjkchhpuuckke. Sadly, that rolls off the tongue easier than the beautiful Scorloon language.

Now, just to be clear, this is not the team that is going conquer the Earth. This is not the team that is planning how to conquer Earth. This is not the the team that is overseeing the team that is planning the conquest of Earth. This is the team that is deciding how we are going to select the committee that is going to oversee the team that is going to plan how another team is going to conquer Earth. (We have 12, very strong candidates. It's going to be tough to whittle those down to 4.)

So, yes, the entire civilization in stuck in 317 levels of bureaucratic nonsense. I just can't imagine why they've had such trouble conquering a planet full of super-powered loose cannons. Hmmm...

Yes, I've only been on their Homeworld ("Scorloonivinoxuloumushing", really?) for a couple days and I'm already completely fed up with the forms, and committees, and meetings, and minutes, and minutia. Who would have thought that an alien species where every person looks completely identical would have such a hard time making a decision? And then there's the ITOCPCE Benchmark Initiative which is the committee monitoring us as we pick the committee to oversee... ah, screw it.

Maybe it's time to introduce a little Proton Diplomacy in this game. Blast the sides off "the box," so to speak. Time to swing the "big stick." Make the "buck stop" and all that.

Just as soon as my Proposal for Radical Governmental Change gets recognized by the Sitting Committee for Imperial Governmental Procedure, Changes, and Possible Redundancy Eliminations (and Oral Hygiene).

I'll take door #3, if you don't mind

2008-12-12T13:56:00.000-08:00

Here I am riding on a Scorloon battle cruiser. Things are going well. I'm looking out the view window, watching the Earth disappear into the distance as we enter the amber-violet spectrum of trans-spatial warp. It's all good. I am preparing myself for the awaiting throngs of Scorloons, eager for me to lead them to greatness. I am ready. But first, I want some food. No problem, right? I tell the on-board compu-drive to give me the finest dish in the Scorloon menu.

Well, first it wants to know my height and weight (in "Thrggsh" or whatever the unit of measure on Scorloon is), then it wants to get a skin sample, then I have to fill out a color based personality examination ("How does green taste?"), then I need to attach a copy of my Scorloon military record... Hey! Stupid computer, just bring me a goddamned burger or something!

Finally (finally!), I seem to have made it through whatever hoops it has left and it opens the tele-hatch and gives me the meal. It is not a burger. It is not a noodle-based dish. It is not even a vegetable. It appears to be what would happen if a centipede had a baby with a frog (with a skin condition). It's repulsive.

And it's still alive!

Assessment

2008-12-11T14:46:00.000-08:00

So where am I in my Year of Super-Villainy? Hmmm.

Let's see. I accidentally create d "Skyline's Newest Super-Hero Sensation," the idiotic Green Hunter. I've battled a hamster (And cannot declare a clear victory. Damn you Hamster, damn you!). I've been betrayed by the one minion I thought I could trust. And I've been surpassed in villainous reputation by my robotic doppelganger. Yeah, this year's been just great!

I've been thinking that maybe what I need is a change of scenery. A fresh start. When I had a crisis of confidence before, I realized that I wasn't thinking big enough. I needed a big city instead of a little town. Well, you know, maybe just a city isn't big enough for my aspirations. I need to go intergalactic.

That's right, I have made some contacts with the Scorloons. I perhaps was too harsh in my earlier assessment of them. They're actually quite potent. And their language is beautifully melodic. I don't know who said it sounded like "a bear raping a refrigerator," but they (clearly) didn't know what they were talking about. They have read about my exploits and #17 Most Wanted ranking (Shhh. Don't ruin this for me.) and want me to help them in the (eternal) quest to conquer Earth.

I have graciously accepted their offer to travel to their Empire and help them develop fool-proof plans for victory. When I return, this victory will not be hollow. It will be filled with the gooey sweetness of revenge!

I can barely even post this

2008-12-05T14:09:00.000-08:00

From the weekly Most Wanted List:

#17: SUPER-VILLAIN, This former minor league villain has taken a huge step toward becoming a major threat, to not only the city, but the world as well. In a matter of days, the metallic menace derailed a major scientific experiment of Professor Excellence (causing tremendous damage to the StupeDOU's skyscraper home), defeated Green Hunter and the Scarlett Underground in combat, and has been seen with the likes of such heavyweights as A-BOMB-A-NATION and Sir Tan-Death.

Known abilities: Teleportation, Plasma blasts, Force Field, Flight

Is there no limit to my indignities? I didn't do any of that stuff. That's my freaking robot!

And it can fly?!

Aaaaargh!

We'll carve it on your gravestone

2008-12-04T12:59:00.000-08:00

Apparently, the former minion's beef with me is that I never gave him his family sanctuary in Escartion. Well, yeah, okay. Not yet. But, of course, Escartion doesn't exist. It seems that that fact really got into his craw. He kept saying "Escartion, Escartion" while that damned robot duplicate held me at blaster-point. Again, okay, yes, Escartion doesn't exist. Not yet. But I totally could make a place called Escartion. After the global domination. Minions just don't have any patience.

I mean, am I frustrated not to be unquestioned emperor of the world? Sure. But I have vision. And vision takes patience. You can't just be a whiny baby and secretly program your master's robot duplicate to obey only your orders. That's not cool. That might be okay in the Philippines or Cambodia or Korea or wherever you're from, but here, in the big boy world that's not how it works.

Now, Zippidy Minion, I'm afraid I will have to destroy you and your family. I will call your grave "Escartion."

Cause that's poetic justice. Get it?

Turkey, turkey, turkey

2008-12-03T13:47:00.000-08:00

Hey! The holidays! Aren't they great? Who had turkey? Delicious or dry? Dry, huh? Yeah, it's easy to overcook those turkeys. I've heard that there is some sort of Scorloon tentacled, jelly-cow, thing that tastes just like turkey. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Were you thankful for something? Thankful for companionship? Thankful for loyalty? Thankful for dimensional travel?

Ooh! How's your holiday shopping going? It's just crazy out there, huh? The lines, the sales, the credit card debt, it's just nuts. Yeah. I''m just thinking holidays right now. I'm not even really worrying about the whole "super-villain" thing. I'm just being mellow. You know, just trying to get through it all. Boy, so many people to shop for! How can I even think about assembling an arsenal of weaponry to systematically defeat the Earth's Elite when I've got cards to write and gifts to buy? It's not weird or anything. I'm just filled with the festive spirit.

I'm just that kind of guy. You probably didn't pick up on that in my earlier posts, but I'm not going to judge. I'm onion-y. I've got layers. Nuance. I just look forward to a stocking of thoughtfully purchased gifts that can fit into a 3 inch wide sock. That's okay. Right? Yeah, that's okay.

Oh, but you know what's not okay? You know what's not festive? You know what's not thankful-ish?

Having your own goddamn minion turn on you with your own robot duplicate and drive you into hiding! Now, Z, you must die.

I, Robot

2008-11-25T14:17:00.000-08:00

Minion Z has come out of his funk and constructed his first robot duplicate of me! I know I vowed to kill him, but the enterprising little guy is just so handy to have around. I know it's not very villainous, but damn it, I appreciate the guy. Is that so wrong?

Now, let the super-hero mind-warp-ery begin!

Quality is worth the price

2008-11-21T14:09:00.000-08:00

Actually, I take it back. The Purple Pirate head and hat display case looks great. Teak, copper, glass, it is beautiful. Well worth the expense. And the taxidermist did a fantastic job with the Pirate's head. He looks like he was a very intimidating opponent; steely glare, teeth clenched, hat cocked down slightly over his eyes. (Have I mentioned how awesome his hat is?) The typographer did a great job on the plaque as well. Very classy. Trajan as the font, I believe.

I just keep staring at it. What a battle trophy! Now it is a "Den of Evil" indeed. Z seems deeply distraught by my new addition. Well, if he's going to hang with me he'sgoing to have to toughen up a little. Don't his people eat dogs or something? Now that's disturbing. All he does now is huddle in the corner, flinch, and cry softly to himself. It's hilarious!

This display case is great! It's the gift that keeps on giving!

It's a damn shame

2008-11-20T07:24:00.000-08:00

I am furious!

The new Most Wanted list came out and I only moved up one spot? #21? I just killed the Purple Pirate. Does that not mean anything to you... you... whoever determines the Most Wanted? The old Pirate is (er, was) surely one of the top super-heroes in the world! The world of localized street crime. Street crime within the 18th and 45th street vicinity of the city. Mostly at night and early evening.

I mean, the sword, the buccaneer hat, the monochromatic outfit? Oh, and the EYE PATCH!? Who else has all that? Yeah, he wasn't a "heavy-hitter." But, you know, that whole "lifting buildings" thing that those show-offs do is really over-rated. The Pirate didn't engage in gratuitous feats of muscle. No. He was in there, getting dirty, getting real work done against my fellow criminal element.

And the Parrot Lads! His sidekicks. I think there are three, no, maybe four acrobatic teens who helped in his battle against villainy. He touched real lives here. Will that be swept under the rug after his demise? Will no one weep for the loss of the Purple Pirate?

It's disappointing that the Pirate has been so quickly dismissed. I kind of feel bad for the poor guy. Boy, now I feel a little awkward about the display case I've commissioned to hold his severed head and kickin' buccaneer hat.

Let me cut you off...

2008-11-18T13:57:00.000-08:00

I keep getting e-mails from Autonomous Robot, Terror of the Slums, and a couple of other low-grade super-villains. "Why haven't you updated?" "Where is your next post?" "How do I know how to become a better super-villain?" Great. I'm the leader of a bunch of has-beens and never-will-bes.

Okay, you pathetic losers. Here's what I've been doing; the perfect bank robbery. Now, I know I've mentioned before what I think about crime for financial gain. But this is different. This is about perfecting my technique. I've got my teleportation rig set up within the armor so I can open a portal to a specific place and then walk right through. So the plan is simple; teleport into a bank vault, throw bags of cash through the portal (into my apartment, where the minion organizes it), and then walk out. It's easy, has netted me about $1.2 million in a week, and has jumped me up the Most Wanted charts (#22, suckers!). I even heard that Admiral Admirable, (Yes, the Admiral Admirable) mentioned that he would take steps to stop my "plague of larceny". Oh, Admiral. "Plague of Larceny?" You can coin a phrase.

But if you think that's totally awesome, (Which it is, Autonomous Robot, you pitiful sack of circuits.) listen to this. I'm in the middle of the robbery scheme and the Purple Pirate busts in and tries to take me out. I'm just about done with the robbery, so I ignore him and close my portal to leave. Well, I guess the Pirate moves faster then I thought, because he was nearly on me. Too bad for him that the portal closed and severed his head clean off! Holy crap! I killed the Purple Pirate! That should move me into the Top 20 for sure.

Always trust what you read

2008-11-11T13:54:00.000-08:00

The teleportation rig is a go! My power set now reads: Techno-pathy, battle armor, and teleportation. It's a little eclectic, but it's a lot better than where I was at the beginning.

All day I've been teleporting stuff through my end of the wormhole. I'm not totally sure where the other end goes, but they are now the proud recipients of a Most Improved Soccer award, some spare Atom-Vortex parts, a dead rat, 3 phone books I swiped from my neighbor, and about 50 copies of the local apartment renters guide. (I swear they print 5 million of those things and no one ever picks them up.)

I haven't tried going through myself (yet), but I hope it's depositing all this crap right into the Earth's Elite headquarters. Maybe I should print up some "Green Hunter Sucks!" fliers. Then they will no doubt realize that he does, in fact, suck.

And they will kick him off the team.

And banish him to Limbo-verse.

And then disband.

And then give control over the planet to me. Yes, that would be nice.

A bounty of riches

2008-11-06T12:09:00.000-08:00

Old crab-face (Noticer's ID's him as the Walrus Warlord. I don't know what sort of walruses they have around where he grew up, but they don't look like that.) didn't get over to the Turning Observatory in time before I was able to snag three (count 'em) cosmic scatterers. I know, the teleportation rig only requires one, but now I can flip one for a pretty penny and keep one as a spare. I am becoming certified-awesome, am I right? You'd think that would be enough, but guess what?

No, not a robot invasion.

No.

No! Come on! I would never breed with an Alien! Disgusting!

Green Hunter was there! He was there doing something for the Observatory and tried to thwart my scheme. I blasted away at him until my batteries were near empty. Unfortunately, he was able to deflect my shots with his stupid green sparkles (They should have been mine!). But, in all the confusion I knocked over something and it imperiled a civilian. Being the goofy super-hero he is, of course he ran over to rescue them. Ah ha! But I got away! Suck it, idiot intern!

Take a number

2008-11-03T13:43:00.000-08:00

Boy, things are different here in the big city. I'm in the process of getting together some equipment to build a teleportation rig. You know, your basic atom strippers, gravity rails, Heisenberg compensators, basic stuff. Professor Excellence, in his enormous ego, has published his work in the field. And really, if you just follow along, it's not that hard to do. Well, the stuff is not so basic because it's all stored in random high-tech labs around the city. So I grab the armor suit and head over to snag some shiny technology.

It's not like the sleepy University town though. There's already a super-villain there. Bad form. I didn't have my Noticer's Guide to Super-Humans with me so I couldn't ID him. His face kind of looked like a crab having a hemorrhoids attack, if that makes any sense. He was incomprehensibly ranting (Having a hemorrhoidal crab-face apparently gives you a very heavy accent.) and battling some sort of Roman-themed hero. I really need to study my Noticer's if I'm going to hang around here, I didn't recognize him either. They fought for a while, but I decided that they had a kind of a thing going and went back to the Den of Evil.

In the end I came away empty-handed. I'm not used to this hectic super-human city. Maybe next time I need to make an appointment or something. Or wake up early.

Name of the game

2008-10-31T14:03:00.000-07:00

I was working on some my distinctive "calling cards" when I realized that I haven't mentioned my super-villain alias. Truly, an egregious oversight.

Now, I know there is a strong camp that believes that your name should be structured along the lines of "Title Description." That would be a title like "Professor", "General", "Emperor", something like that and then the description of what you intend to do: "Death", "Doom", "Apocalypse". You get the idea. I don't like the notion though because it relies on a title. Titles are given by the authorities, and as I've mentioned before, being a villain is all about subverting authority. You can't play by their rules.

Or you can go with something that is related to your powers, but I don't like being pigeonholed by my (current) power set. I've got big ambitions. Nothing less than universal domination will do, so I'm not going to be stuck with some lame name just because my first powers were nano-tech related. Please.

I'm trying to elevate the game here. So I've decided to go with something deceptively simple, "Super-villain". It says what I am and I am what it says. It's so obvious that everyone else has overlooked it. I am going to define the word through my actions. It's brilliant.

Plus, they'll have to use my photo in the dictionary.

Motivation

2008-10-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

I'm all moved in now. I've got the wide screen TV for monitoring my schemes/henchmen. (Currently still only in the "plotting" phases.) I've got a good supply of canned food and water for the next time some cosmological deity decides to crash its sun-eating ass into the city power grid. I've got my computer set up locked in and running some battle simulations against various heroes. I've got all of my spare machine parts in the "office." (Soon to be renamed. I haven't decided on which is better; "Den of Evil" or "Crime Lab". That would be where crimes are created, not solved.) And over there is the cot I found on a street corner where Z, the minion, (fitfully) sleeps.

Now to put plots into action. It got me thinking about motivation, why we villains do what we do.

For most of them, the motivation is the basic: cash. It's a trap though. You blast your way through a bank, collect a couple bags of money, and then... what? Where do you go from there? If you're a super-villain you can't just spend it, you're far too flamboyant to just walk into a store and buy your heart's desire. Plus, you're on the villain database and the latest edition of the Noticer's Guide, so you can't easily quietly slip off to retirement. You have to constantly battle authorities or super-heroes to keep your money. So then you end up spending it all on means to battle the heroes... it's a downward spiral, really.

Other villains are in it for revenge. That's all well and good. Certainly I have aspirations of blasting Green Hunter into non-existence, but that can't be your sole goal. Even if you succeed, it is only a fleeting accomplishment. Self-esteem is nice, but is it worth the potential death or injury. (Obviously, Green Hunter is the exception.)

Then, there's conquest. That's more up my alley. Remaking the world in your own image. A noble goal. Making the world a better place, really.

Then there's the poor saps who have devolved into semi-sentient threats. Your lumbering heaps of destruction that provide a nice punching bag for some dumb hero to slug away at. Some guy wanders into the wrong chemical plant and comes out a muck-beast of some sort, completely accidentally, and a "hero" get's his kicks out of punching the holy hell out of him until he blacks out from pain or injury? Who's the bad guy then? Bastards.

Even in a world where a man can shoot lasers out of his eyes...

2008-10-24T13:54:00.000-07:00

Even with the glittering technology of my power suit, even with an obedient minion, and even with nano-technology, it still sucks to move.

Packing and labeling all of your crap really makes you realize how much clutter you can accumulate. Especially when you need to bring all of your doomsday machines and machine/animal hybrid experiments. I'm really maxing out on my student loan money on this enterprise. Good thing I'm never going to repay them the cash. (Since I will be High Lord of the Universe, natch.)

Hauling everything back and forth to the trucks makes me consider getting rid of all my test tubes, global domination idea notebooks, and atom vortex spare parts. But I just know that as soon as I get rid of something I'm going to need it to battle the Purple Pirate or something. Sigh.

Next time I'm just going to build a teleportation doorway and save myself the trouble. (Note to self: learn how to build teleportation gateways!)

Victory! (hollow)

2008-10-22T13:56:00.000-07:00

I alluded to it in my last post, but there was some action this weekend. The police, surprisingly, figured out that I vaporized that bar owner guy, Barry (?). I'm just terrible with names. Fortunately when they arrived I was suited up. I was just about to head over and dispense some plasma-hot revenge on that back-stabbing trollop. Instead, I spent my weekend in a 14-hour stand-off/firefight with a couple dozen armed cops. Fun, right? The good news is that I was victorious (finally!) and defeated all opposition. I am now the unquestioned ruler of a small mid-western town. The bad news is that I'm the unquestioned ruler of a small mid-western town. Frankly, it's not glorious at all. And police are my challenge? Am I a common thug? Where is the splendor and spectacle in that?

All the pointlessness of it just washed over me for a while. I prepared a drink (On the house. I'm the owner after all.) and just drank it in the burned out wreckage of a police cruiser for a while. Then I realized what I needed to do: it's time to take it up a notch. It's time to get into the big leagues. That idiot Green Hunter did what I should have done as soon I got this armor working. Damn you, Hunter! I am going to go the big city, Skyline, and shove a proton cannon down his throat. (And then fire that proton cannon. And incinerate his internal organs. Killing him. Dead, dead.) Yeah, that's sounds good. This current time-continuum is too short to waste with this pittance of a town.

Now, it is on!

Betrayal

2008-10-20T14:04:00.001-07:00

Many things happened this weekend, but I'm not going to go into it right now. I'm too hurt.

Valentine, now two-time Hot Bod champ, has dealt me the harshest blow yet. She has betrayed me. Her name is not actually "Valentine"! It's "Amber" or "Amanda" or something like that. Valentine is her stripper name! First she lies to me about her name and then she misleads me about her occupation!? She claimed she was a dental hygienist! I had already planned to use her expertise in assembling metallic jaws for my theoretical army of Chomper-men. But does she know anything that would help me with that? No! Knowing how to keep $114 in one dollar bills in a single g-string is not going to help me defeat the Earth's Elite!

And don't even start with the hypocritical aspect of my own using a super-villain name rather than my real name, it's totally different. I am competing in a field where an intimidating name is going to win half my battles. Are you going to mess with someone named Complete Destruction? Or Devourous the Terrible? It's about building your super-villain brand. You need to develop your name and figure out your gimmick. Can a guy called Sandpaper Assassin have teleportation powers? No, it has to be sand-related. You are competing against guys with the craziest outfits you've ever imagined, after all. You need to stand out from the pack. This isn't that hard. Geez.

Worst of all, she was using me to get better scores in the Hot Bod contests. Who knew she would betray this town leading (okay, only) super-villain for a $50 prize? I take back the 10's and 9.7's! I never meant it!

The scenic valleys of Escartion

2008-10-17T14:05:00.000-07:00

It's another Friday, and here at The Pub that means inventory. God, I hate inventory. But, I'm in a suit of armor bristling with deadly weapons, so that means I'm not doing anything. I'm hiding out here in the back while the minion and the employees do everything. That's something you need to learn as a super-villain, delegating (you can't do everything by yourself). But now I'm bored, so I'm going to tie up some loose ends.

1) The Hamster: I have not had any more annoying transmissions lately. So, the hamster is dead and being swallowed by a rabid dog. Or is at least out of range to save my sanity. I don't know who I need to threaten to ensure it, but I really hope the dog scenario is correct.

2) The minion (Z): He has been quite loyal, despite the fact that this armor I'm using may have been his thesis project and I have villainously taken it for my own nefarious ends. How is this possible? Ah, but my weapons are of both the cybernetic body and the mind. I simply told him that the authorities are the ones who destroyed his dorm room (back in the Hamster battle) and he quite eagerly believed me. It seems that the rulers of his homeland do that sort of thing all the time. Also, I promised to make him the Provincial Governor of Escartion and to allow his family to live there in freedom and safety (provided they can escape the iron rule of their native dictator). Every time he seems to lose his nerve, I bring up this promise and vaporize a shot glass to show him that I can give him this title and lots of land in fertile Escartion.

Well, I could, if Escartion actually existed. I made it up. I am a super-villain after all.

Case #16442: Larry v. Super-villain

2008-10-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

The unchallenged dominance of my rule did not last long. Larry, The Pub's former owner, returned after the weekend and he was slightly annoyed to find that he was no longer in charge. He kept blathering on about where is my paperwork? Who do I think I am? I'm going to get my lawyer on the phone? I mean, really? A lawyer? I'm a freaking super-villain! Like a well constructed court order is going to have any effect on my actions. That's the whole point of being a super-villain!

Super-heroes are The Man. The Authority. All of their actions are about maintaining the status quo. All that sweat, grit, and determination they muster is about keeping things exactly the same way they are. They are anti-change, anti-progress, really. I mean, I think it's probably an improvement to reshape the coastline of Asia into the likeness of my face. (It will look awesome from space! C'mon!) Or to transform the people of England into obedient bio-machines. But, no, Heroes are always working to thwart this kind of real advancement. People may think it's some sort of flaw to be a super-villain, but what it's really about is freedom! Freedom to think how you want to think! Freedom to be who you want to be! Freedom to annihilate who you want to annihilate! Freedom to raise the werewolf ninja armies that you want to raise!

Sorry about that. I got caught up in the feeling of it all. Anyways, Larry is there yapping at me about quid pro quo or something, and I have (unfortunately) been caught out of my battle armor. This is an embarrassing thing to admit, but I was not prepared. Honestly, after the big sales of "Five Dollah Friday" and the success of judging the "Hot Bod" contest on Saturday, I was feeling a little too relaxed. Also, Valentine, the Hot Bod winner seems quite responsive to my flirting when I'm out of the armor.

So I was caught with my quantum pants down, so to speak. I quickly retreated to the back room and sent out my robotic minion to handle things until I got suited up. Okay, "robotic minion" is a bit of a stretch. It was my usual minion, Z, but he was wearing some scrap metal and a hand-crafted pail painted to look like a face. It looks terrible, but honestly, no one really knows what to do when you see that staggering toward you shouting Cantonese (?).

I'll give him credit though, Larry took initiative and began pummeling Z. If I need to work on my fighting skills, then Z really, really needs help. But what are minions for if not to be punching bag distractions? (Answer: nothing) Once I was back in the armor the battle went as follows:

Me: I command you to die!

Larry: Wha-?

Me: *fusion blast*

Larry: *vaporize*

Ha! Case closed. Is that legally binding enough for you Larry?

Yes, we're still doing "Five-Dolla' Fridays"

2008-10-10T08:01:00.000-07:00

It seems as though it's been forever, but now, finally, the steps toward global domination have begun. While I have plans to conquer the world, and hopefully, all of reality, I do have some scores to settle. Some personal injuries that must be settled first.

I awoke early in morning and went to the departmental lounge and vaporized all of the copies of Johann's thesis papers. That's right, I have obliterated the culmination of 8 years of diligent study and writing! Now who's the brightest star at the University? The only glow now is emanating from your scorched theses! Ha, ha! I have also sent him an e-mail laced with a worm virus that will wipe out his computer's saved version of his work. (One must be thorough in this regard.) I neglected to inform him that I sent this e-mail with the power of my mind, but I think complete academic annihilation should suffice.

I am choosing to wait on the defeat of my own committee members. I have hopes of completely eliminating them from the timestream, but (unfortunately) I can't muster that power level. Yet! Yet.

But these are matters of the ephemeral mental realm. How about getting into the grimy, real world of doomsday machines and blasting the hell out of muscle-bound super-heroes? Well, no heroes (Yet! Yet.), but I have conquered my first parcel of real estate. The grand dominion has its humble origins in the conquest of The Pub!

Several years ago, some irritating bartender there refused my completely valid ID and refused to serve me my drink of choice. (Running a driver's license through the credit card machine doesn't prove if it's valid you moron!) On my birthday no less! This crime could not go unanswered, so I strapped into my battle-suit and marched in and declared myself the new ruler of the third most popular bar in this University town. Resistance was minimal. That is, it was, after I explained that I wasn't going to change any policies and business could proceed as usual. The student bartender (Derrick) said that Larry, the (previous) owner, was out of town. "He's usually gone for, like, a couple weeks. He'll come back and say he's got some new, great idea, or something. Just as long as I can keep my tips, it's cool with me." Yes Derrick, it is cool indeed. Very cool.

Smells like scorched melon

2008-10-06T14:02:00.000-07:00

Let me ask you a few simple questions. Who's a clanking, shiny vehicle of doom? Who's got death-lasers and death-laser-blocking forcefields at the ready to smack you down? Who's a walking menace that is going to wipe the Green Hunter off the face of the earth?

Booyah! I am!

Who spent their weekend vaporizing watermelons from 30 yards? Who has a terrifying mask that will make super-heroes shrivel at the sight of it? And most importantly, who is about to become the master of all he surveys?

That's right, me!

Hell yeah!

Who spent their weekend running back and forth to the store to stock up on watermelons? Who then had to draw Green Hunter style masks on all the watermelons and then place them on the target post with the name "Green Hunter" scrawled on them?

Not me! That's what minions are for.

A simple, elegant solution

2008-10-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

I'm direct blogging from my mind now. I'm so excited. Why didn't I think of this before? The hamster's a problem? KILL THE HAMSTER! A nice, simple, elegant solution.

So my first act of villainy will be perpetrated on an eight ounce rodent? No problem. My path to glory and infamy will overwhelm this humble beginning. I mean, what are they going to remember, that I first battled a hamster, or that I blanketed the world in a plague of werewolf ninjas? (Werewolf ninjas? I should remember that for later.)

I'm going to the minion's dorm room. I've sent him out to gather materials for the armor, but I've given him hopelessly convoluted instructions that should keep him occupied for

- oooooh! a weeelll! when did that get here? wanna run! -

Aaargh! See what I'm talking about? Constant annoying inter...

- run. run. ooo. me hungry, want food! hey! a foodman!-

Shhh. I'm going to quietly go into the room. I see you hamster. I'm coming to get Yes, little hamster, I've got food for you; how about some hot lead? Do you have enough of that in your diet? Ha, ha!

- hi foodman! give food! food! food! wait what that? that not food. danger! run!-

You can't hide in there little bastard! I'll smash your tunnel to bits! Ha, take that! I'm going to kill you so...

- run! run! danger! -

Damn, I missed. Hold still you little fuzzball!

- mean, mean foodman! hide, hide. danger! -

Shut up! Crap, I'm out of bullets. Boy those things can smash a place up. He's around here somewhere. I'll just stomp on him. Heeere, hamster hamst...

- new tunnel! run! danger! -

Crap, he's running for the vent! Stop, stop!

...

Okay, okay. Let me gather my thoughts here. So, the minion's room is kind of in shambles. I guess I really need to take a shooting course. Yes, and a fighting course. (Damn you, Hunter!) So, the hamster managed to dodge the shots. Maybe, in retrospect I should have just grabbed the hamster and just finished him quickly. I guess I fell into the old villain trap of trying to be too flashy with the gun and all. It was just going to be so cathartic to shoot that hamster and silence him forever. But...

So I missed, smashed open the cage, and he escaped through a vent. It all happened so fast, I couldn't tell if I wounded it or not. Maybe I did. You know how chickens can run around for a while even with their heads cut off? Maybe I've mortally wounded it, but adrenaline and dying muscle memory got it into the vent? I haven't heard any other comments since it ran in there. Yes, I'm sure it's dead. That's a relief. Now I can get back...

- mean foodman! hamster free now. hamster free! -

Nooooooooo!

Damn-ster!

2008-09-29T12:22:00.000-07:00

That damn hamster is driving me crazy. Every two seconds it's "I'm hungry, want to eat." or "Thirsty. Want water." Look hamster, I know you're just a rodent, but I don't need to hear about every damn thought that crosses your damn little head! I just can't turn it off. I've been trying to express the problem to minion Z, but it's a little hard to explain with pictures and hand signals that "your stupid hamster is spamming my brain with annoying thought messages."

Minion Z can sense that I'm not my usual chipper, globe-conquering self, and he's trying to cheer me up by showing me the progress he's made on the armor suit. It does look very nice – weapons, shields, he's even built me an intimidating face mask. I can't even concentrate on all that now.

I've taken to drinking a lot more than usual to try to dull the impact of the barrage of "Hamster baaaaalllll!" on my poor brain. Damn you hamster! Damn you and your plastic climbing maze!

Crosstalk

2008-09-25T14:29:00.000-07:00

Mind-blogging is awesome. Totally cooler than the green sparks thing. Absolutely. Small problem though, I keep getting psychic messages from minion Z's hamster. Not good. Ugh.

No, I don't want to run on the wheel! Stop asking me!

First power, first step

2008-09-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

Minion Z has injected his nano-technology into me. I am now blogging this with the power of my mind! I suppose this would count as my first super-power, but this is only a modest first step. Today, techno-pathy, tomorrow, the universe!

Oh, and Green Hunter? You can't blog with your mind, can you? No. No, you can't. Idiot.

Robots and rodents

2008-09-25T14:04:00.000-07:00

Young minion Z (I've decided that's the easiest way to refer to him), really has quite a talent for this robotics thing! I accompanied him back to his dorm room and he was showing me his work. It was quite impressive. Perhaps he's worth keeping around after my power acquisition after all. He already had the framework for a metallic suit set up and had made good progress in developing some miniaturized weaponry. The armor frame was far too short for me, so after a (minor) threat of force minion Z has agreed to re-size it for my height. He has also been working on some nano-cybernetic technology. I didn't follow his explanation (a lot of hand waving and pointing to blueprints), but it appears that he has equipped his pet hamster with a wi-fi connection! I told him that it was very impressive and that I would like to able to link to machinery with my mind as well. I think he understood my meaning.

I made certain to speak very CLEARLY and very LOUDLY.

Plan B begins

2008-09-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

Re-assembling the Atom Vortex continues to elude my tech-minion and I. Even when I think it's fully formed, it will do nothing more than hum. Where are my beautiful green sparks? Where are my soothing blobs of super-power-dom?. Damn that Hunter! Damn him in his stupid, stupid face.

And before anyone asks, yes, I saw that Green Hunter stopped an alien invasion over the weekend. But, I mean, it was only the Scorloons. They've been thwarted before by such pitiful heroes as the guy who can throw his own hands and the girl who can form solid objects out of her love for puppies! Okay, I'm not sure about the specifics of those heroes powers, but the point is that they're lame. Just because the Earth's Elite have decided to lower their bar from being the greatest super-hero team in the world to invite Green Hunter to join them doesn't mean anything. The Elite must have some serious issues behind closed doors to even consider adding Green Hunter to their roster after such an unimpressive achievement. I mean, a high-school kid would be impressed that I can buy beer, but everyone else would see that it's no big deal. Yes, I'm equating the difficulty of defeating a Scorloon invasion with going to the store and buying booze; sometimes it's a hassle, but failure isn't really an option.

Ahem. Anyway, Zoo (?) and I are struggling with this challenge, when he makes some sort of sound that slightly resembles the word "robot." I still can't make heads or tails of what he's saying, but this coincidence gets me thinking that perhaps I'm taking the wrong approach with this. Maybe, instead of chancing that I might get deformed or annihilated in a nuclear accident, I should focus on making a robotic suit of armor!

The advantages are myriad: I won't get killed if it doesn't work, it will conceal my identity, it's upgradeable (it's always a plus when you can pull a new weapon out of your bio-mechanical hat), and it leaves open the option of creating robot duplicates! I'm already working it out in my head how some random hero will be struggling for their life against a lifeless automaton while I am safely escaping and moving on to the next phase of my scheme. Brilliant! And the look of frustration when they finally realize that all of their struggle was just against a robot. Delicious!

Zhou seemed excited as well when he finally grasped what I was aiming for. It seems that Zu is an enthusiastic aficionado of robots. Maybe he's Japanese? They love robots right?

Getting back up on that atomic horse.

2008-09-19T14:23:00.000-07:00

I once again have gathered the parts for my power-endowing device. This time, I had some trouble getting it to work, so I have been forced to once again dip into the murky pool of gullible University students. But, I have learned from my earlier mistakes, um, experiences. First of all, I have opted for a non-english speaker, I believe his name is "Zhou", "Zoo", "Zu", or something like that. It sounds like the place of captivity that I shall soon place the world in. He is an engineering student, so he has the necessary technical expertise to assist me. My previous idiot intern was, of course, on the other farthest possible side of the spectrum in the regard.

He is Korean. Or maybe Chinese? I don't really know, I can't understand a word that he's saying. Really, I see the human race as one single group, so why differentiate by randomly determined national borders? They will all fall under the shadow of my iron fist eventually, so why worry about it? He is a hard worker, and has obeyed even my harshest commands without question. It's nice to have a competent minion (for once). Hear that, Hunter? Idiot.

Despite our language incompatibility, he seems to grasp the mechanical aspects of what I'm aiming for. That's refreshing. Also, I really, really love being able to casually discuss his eventual execution right in front of his face. He'll just smile and nod.

"After I gain god-like powers you will have the honor of being my first extermination! Aren't you lucky, Zhou?"

*smiles*

*nods*

Refreshing.

No, no, that's fine.

2008-09-18T13:19:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be realistic about this, the so-called super-heroes generally come out on top in the Hero/Villain conflict. Losing round one to the Green Hunter is no big deal. So what? He beat me up? Well, I have no hand to hand combat training (yet!), so that's to be expected. After all, he was an idiot frat brother. He's probably spent his entire college life having homo-erotic wrestling skirmishes and getting into bar brawls. That fine. And yeah, he might have smashed up the Atom-Vortex before he left. But I can rebuild it. Mostly. There were a lot of extra pieces that probably aren't even necessary! It's just cutting out the fat of the machine really. Now it's going to be even more powerful.

I don't even care that he left for the city to become a super-hero. It's just one more bug to squash later. In fact, it's better that I created him. Now we have a dynamic that links us together. Now I'll be able to cut him deeper than any other villain could. I can be the one to destroy his wife/girlfriend/gay-lover. Yes, definitely gay-lover. The more I think about it, the more I think that this was an important step in placing myself into the larger super-hero/villain sphere. Now I have a seat at the table. I'm in the game. (Pending obtaining super abilities, of course.) Yes, this is absolutely the best possible outcome. Excepting obtaining infinite power and ruling over reality, I guess.

That's why I'm totally not losing my mind that the Skyline Trumpet's huge headline is "GREEN HUNTER SAVES CITY". I'm happy that in his first day in the world's premier super-city my own lil' Hunter stopped a major Subterranasaur invasion that had knocked out a bunch of A-list heroes. I mean, it's all thanks to me. I gave him his powers. I choose such an idiot that he didn't know to be afraid. He's so stupid that he circled all the way around to brilliant in this case. Good for him.

When he succeeds, I succeed. In a way. In a totally, totally real way.

Boom!

2008-09-17T19:03:00.001-07:00

Uh, okay. My ears are still ringing a bit. So, the bad news; the blast didn't kill Green Hunter. He shook off the explosion, knocked me out with one punch, and then left to become a crimefighter. But, the good news; my Vortex must work even better than I had hoped! I'm a genius!

That's going to be your super-hero name? Really?

2008-09-17T19:03:00.000-07:00

All day I've been looking forward to eliminating Hunter, or as he has taken to calling himself, Green Hunter. I've been forced to tolerate his enthusiasm as he tests his powers, listen to him bounce costume concepts off me, and, worst of all, refer to him as Green Hunter. Or, alternatively, the Green Hunter. His goofy altruism is really quite sickening. Apparently I should have vetted my minon pool a little better to weed out low intelligence jocks with hearts of gold.

He's already worked out how he's going to leave this sleepy college town for the super-hero hot beds like Skyline or Metropolitan. He's so certain that he should be fighting crime. I just can't take it, my first act as as an aspiring super-villain is to create another idiot super-hero? That's just not good form. For some reason he has had all these good intentions bottled up in his beer-addled fraternity body, and because of my actions he thinks he's going to battle evil? I don't think so Gree... uh, idiot intern! No, you are going down! I have 50 pounds of "scavenged" explosives under your bunk that are going to change your path. For good.

Were you atomized today?

2008-09-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

What a weekend!

The Atom-Vortex was activated while Hunter, my foolish "intern" dimly stood in the Convection Chamber (I tricked him into entering by leaving the door open and placing an cheesesteak sandwich inside). I observed via the closed circuit monitor. As the Vortex achieved critical levels the chamber began to fill with dancing green sparks. It was beautiful and fascinating. I honestly could not pull my eyes away. Hunter, as well, was mesmerized. He cautiously reached out to feel the flickering blobs. They floated, as if underwater, when he touched them. His hair began to raise away from his scalp from the powerful static currents. I wonder if he actually thought this was usual for an internship. Watching the lights and colors, I felt a deep peace like I have never experienced... and then the sparks began to speed up. They raced around the room, constantly gaining velocity, whipping all around Hunter's figure, coating him in their green glow.

Then the sparks began to tear away his body, atom by atom. I'm assuming that Hunter was screaming in pain. His mouth was open and he was bent over with pain. Thank goodness I didn't take the time to install a microphone in the chamber, what an annoyance it would have been to have to hear his death cries! His body evaporated like sand pouring through a hand, and Hunter vanished. This ended my feelings of tranquility. My first experiment, a failure! I sat for some time in the viewing room pondering my next move when I happened to notice movement on the video screen: the idiot intern was alive! Somehow, despite having the reasoning capability of a cinder-block, Hunter had managed to re-incorporate himself! He survived!

I quickly regathered my composure, shut down the Vortex, and went into the chamber. "Gosh, how did that happen? The safety mechanism should have had this door locked! Hunter, are you all right?" Now, I haven't acted since my grade school production of "The Little Engine That Could", but Hunter seemed entirely convinced of my false sincerity. Of course, Hunter is (as I said before) an idiot. But, he is now a super-powered idiot. I've begun initial testing to see what sort of capabilities he has acquired, and so far it has been impressive. He appears to have enhanced strength, speed, and durability, and although he could not yet replicate it, he was able to project a beam of green energy out of his hand.

This is fantastic! Tomorrow, I will duplicate the process with myself and begin the first step to super-villainy. I understand Professor Excellence's "Double Lightning Strike Theory" that powers cannot be exactly duplicated, but I am very optimistic that by tomorrow I will officially be a super-villain.

So tonight, I will dream of my new powers and the glories they will lead to. That, and setting several powerful explosives in Hunter's sleeping quarters. Mustn't have any loose ends.

Machines and minions

2008-09-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

Rome was not built in a day. In this timeline, at least. So, I am ramping up slowly to my status as a super-villain. The first conundrum to overcome is key: acquiring powers. Now, as I mentioned yesterday, I have obtained some components from The University's surplus store. Professor Excellence required 6 cyclotrons (compensating for something "Excellence?") for one of his big trans-dimensional bubble cannons last year (It drove off The Walking Blackhole, if you recall), and in doing so the University was left with several pieces of old atom-warping machinery that no longer worked. Thanks to the state laws that forbid the outright discarding of University/taxpayer property these components were available at very reasonable prices.

According to The Noticer's Guide to Super-Humans, roughly 34% of all super-humans gained their abilities after a mechanical mishap. Experimental explosion, radioactive badger, trans-dimensional doorway malfunction, you know, the usual.

Now I have cobbled together the pieces and intend to endow myself with abilities (as yet unknown) beyond those of mortal men. But, there is also a good chance I will be vaporized. To test the machine I have enlisted the assistance of my first minion! Yes, a college student named Hunter is now assisting me. He believes that this is an internship, and that he will snag an easy 3 credit hours. Oh yes, Hunter, it will be easy... if you survive! "Oh, no, it's perfectly safe. I'll just be standing right here behind 15 feet of reinforced steel." Foolish intern.

So, it begins...

2008-09-11T14:02:00.000-07:00

Aaaugh!

So, it begins. I quest to become a super-villain. Nay, the greatest of super-villains! Relations at The University have disintegrated at, shall we say, a startling rate. This is not the time or place to get into the messy specifics. Let's just say that the world of academia is not for me. They cannot handle me. It's not me, it's them.

So, where to go from here? Unfortunately, the idea of super-villainy didn't come to me until very recently. When the writing was on the wall. But I am have ambitions, and plans. Always plans. The first step is obvious: become super. In that regard, I have obtained from University surplus several large machines. As pieces they may not appear to be much, but together...

Experiments begin tomorrow...